It once begin with wanting to be a mother to a kid. Little did I know what I could do. Becoming a young parent was quite the exceptional demand. Once knowing what my eggs could do I decided too want a few. The first daughter born, had come easy to me, although I did not realize to face the fact that maturing was not in the party or plan. Being a pretty women was hard to understand, especially while being with man. I had some lessons in life to be taught at young age. My second daughter was born, was where I learned at work I could preform. I became a workaholic, I’d like the steady fast environment of a promising days work, working at a local coffee shop. I worked my entire pregnancy making lattes, while balancing a baby in my belly & standing on what I wished, were my own two feet. I had rushed my relationship, I had become dependent on a man, while trying to pursue. I had many doctors appointments where I would show up alone, kinda confused, when my gender reveal came through, I had some pretty scary news. The Ultra sound was questionable, they had ordered me to genetic testing, I then had to wait over a month with the horrendous news. Trying to piece together who I was or what I wanted in life, had sunk my heart to new depths again. I had spent most of my childhood helping out in the special needs rooms. I knew that no matter what I had the heart to do what ever it was that needed to be done, he stood by my side a little more confused reassuring me, not to be afraid, that we wouldn’t loose. That month went by & then alone in the patient waiting room, so many feelings to be told not to concern, that my baby was ok! The great news was to my other daughter, the little girls father, and to our separate, immediate families. Something to understand that I had hidden in, was my life had changed all because of a strong face! Accepting the facts, was not to express, not to sympathize or distress, I occupied my time at work, & home with my daughter, always something wrong, not feeling quite right, but always ready for baby on the way! Too top it off more bad news, two months left and we had to move. I went back home with mom and dad and my 2 daughters a week to go, just in time to deliver, arrived in the hospital within 15 minutes after a long day of home labor, worried I would not be there to hold the hand of the father, a few minutes to go and he flew through the door. Pain was horrific but it was all over. My beautiful daughter was to hold, to keep, to teach, to bring all together… I felt happy, like the stress was all over. I was to soon be happy wife with a new place to call home, the good news was to move, into the estates, a huge home next to a beautiful elementary school in a small town. How could something so great change my fate? I had gotten postpartum depression, I could not breastfeed, all me and baby would do was sleep. I had gotten lonely and the depression was difficult to deal with, the new home meant taking away most every hour I could spend with the man I’d create a family with. The hours were unbearable, the nights of sleep were cold, I had then become a women of domestic violence. The life I once knew had changed completely. It was to beautiful to reveal. I was not ready to o walk away. I began to drink at night, when alone, wine would be nice. To think it would happen again and again. It took three months to finally separate and put a hault to an end, to step away, I would spend a few weeks braving myself together, for my children to not see their broken down mother! I did just that. I choose to humble the pain, I tried harder to became a better mother. I choose to work, and with work came better job opportunities, they would happen often the first few years, each job came a new pay raise. My kids and I had signed the lease on our new apartment, always chasing new ideas and dreams, then our new SUV. It became extremely rewarding. I chose not to date men, not that my constant needs in life allowed me the idea on how to! My children’s needs and priorities were enough to keep me on my toes. Kindly hiding and learning new emotions, I would seek education, schooling, resources for the children and there new schools, daycare programs, the children got scholarships from YMCA. My children is sports, dance, cheer, gymnastics, equestrian care for horses. Allowing me all the work I could get! Our relationships were amazing, almost perfect, the work was hard, I would often spend 50 hours a week while providing. The children were proud, my family became proud. I spent my work hours with the elderly, in nursing homes, in hospitals, in homes through support services, I followed my heart and spent a year with a second job helping with special needs through agencies in San Diego, I worked with some children and adults too. I gained small certificates through the state, while working on co parenting and learning how to accept separate ways of living. Not the kind of mother to get welfare or child support, or ever ask for much help. He did get married and take on many children to another women! But I had already built my life in my own definition or wife type. Not ready enough take on the same, I decide more college would be ideal. While juggling two jobs, and finding time to go to school, recently Graduated as a Nursing Assistant, schooling helps my mind focus on the maturity of mothering. Learning new possibilities to teach my children that they are capable of doing the same. To see there mother gain positive respects in life and becoming a better role model to anyone with sense of struggle. It can be done! You have to want the want more than you need the need, when mothering….
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